Divorce and Child Handovers: Managing Emotions, Hockey Kit and Forgotten Exercise Books

How do parents hand over luggage or family pets after a separation or divorce? Who's responsible when a child forgets something? And how do you set up handovers so they stay calm, even when you and your ex can't quite see eye to eye?

Handing children over after a separation or divorce raises a lot of questions, and can sometimes spark fresh conflict. At the same time, my years of experience as a family lawyer and mediator have taught me that even seemingly tricky situations can be managed well. Let's look together at how this works across different families — and whether you've considered all the options available to you.

Handing over younger children: use nursery or grandparents if nothing else works

For younger children, it's ideal when the handover happens directly between parents — provided they're able to communicate normally with one another. Children like seeing Mum and Dad greet each other warmly, and maybe even chat for a moment; it gives them a sense of calm and the feeling that even though their parents no longer live together, they're still one family. The handover moment is also a good opportunity to share important information about the child, or even swap stories — it's lovely when a child gets to tell Mum, together with Dad, about something fun they did together.

But the world of divorced parents isn't always simple or pretty. For some, meeting in person can be difficult, or even impossible, for all sorts of reasons. When that's the case between parents, a third party or a neutral location can help. Sometimes grandparents assist with the handover; more often, nursery or school is used instead. One parent drops the child off in the morning and the other collects them later, without the adults ever needing to meet. This can also work well for children who find direct handovers between parents harder to cope with — some younger children, for instance, resist leaving Mum, but happily greet Dad when he picks them up from nursery.

Whatever the method, it's genuinely freeing for a child when the parent whose care is ending wishes them a lovely time with the other parent.

When handovers turn dramatic: what then?

For more sensitive or anxious children, a lot depends on how well the parent handing them over prepares them for the change, and helps them cope with it (which, after all, is something they have time to do during their own period of care).

The atmosphere parents create during a handover matters too. It's not just about avoiding arguments in front of the child. If there's tension between the parents, the child will sense it, even if both try to behave correctly on the surface. A child may then react negatively to the handover simply because of what they're picking up on between the adults.

It doesn't need to involve lengthy conversations. It genuinely doesn't matter whether parents chat about the weather or exchange practical updates about the child. What matters is handing the child over calmly, without forgetting even a simple hello.

If a handover is stressful for a child, it's usually better if it isn't dragged out. Prolonged tension is exhausting for a child. A handover can be simple and matter-of-fact — reassure the child that they'll see the parent again soon, with something like: "Three sleeps and we'll see each other." Add a genuine "Have a lovely time with Dad/Mum", and you've very nearly won.

It's entirely natural to miss your child. But it's important not to let it show, because that's hard for a child to witness. A child should never feel responsible for their parent's emotions or how they're coping. This applies to older children too, who often take on that responsibility themselves: "I can't go to Dad's on Christmas Eve, because Mum would be home alone and sad."

A simple response works just as well: "Enjoy Christmas with Dad — I'll enjoy mine with Grandma, and we'll celebrate together when we see each other."

OUR TIP: The more predictable and calm a handover routine is, the less room there is for uncertainty and tension. You might also like: How to Choose a Custody Schedule That Suits Your Child (and the Whole Family)

For older children, it's mostly about luggage

For older children, the court order or parental agreement might formally state that handovers take place at school or at one parent's home — but in practice, children often make their own way, and parents are left dealing mainly with logistics. And that's not always straightforward.

Most of the parents we meet in mediation don't realise what their options are, or everything a handover routine might involve. Do children travel between parents with a suitcase, or does each parent keep a full set of everything at home? What if, during a week with one parent, one child plays the cello and the other plays hockey? How do you hand over instruments and sports bags? If children travel with a suitcase, who transports it? And if one parent sends a child off on a school trip while the other's period of care begins on the day the child returns, who collects them — and washes the kit bag — when the parents simply can't meet at the coach?

These are all things worth thinking through in advance. It helps to make sure children have all the basics in both homes — everyday clothes, toiletries, slippers, even medication — so they can move between households with just a school bag. Many parents, working with the school, arrange duplicate sets of textbooks so children only need to carry exercise books. Does your child play the piano? If it's not possible to have an instrument in both homes, the child could stop by the other parent's home after school, even during the other parent's period of care, for a quick practice session. That's one practical way round a situation where having two of everything simply isn't possible. For sports equipment — often bulky and heavy — hand it over between yourselves, or drop it off directly at training, even if the child has technically been in the other parent's care since yesterday. When a child returns from a school trip, either both parents meet (one collects the child, the other takes the bag), or you simply agree who'll wash the dirty washing and how the bag gets handed over. Your child isn't responsible for your separation, and shouldn't have to deal with these questions or carry that responsibility themselves. So talk it through in advance, so your child can relax, knowing their things are taken care of — just as they were when you lived together.

What if a child forgets something?

Parents often find that a child leaves clothes or belongings that should be at Mum's in Dad's flat, or the other way round. Is that the child's responsibility, or the handing-over parent's?

From parents who've chosen a "suitcase handover" routine, we know how demanding it can be to pack for a week and make sure nothing's missed. Even children who travel with just a school bag already have enough on their plate. There's no need to add to that stress by insisting they mustn't forget anything — after all, have you never forgotten something yourself?

So if you discover one evening that your child has left their handwriting book at Dad's, and they'll need it at school tomorrow, try agreeing who'll collect it, and from where — will Mum nip over that evening, or will Dad drop it off before school tomorrow? You'd be dealing with exactly the same kind of situation even if the family were still together and your child was staying over at a friend's. Does it happen often? Set up a system — make a checklist of exercise books and school kit, and check the school bag before handing your child over. Help your children the same way you'd help them pack for camp or a school trip. Because parenting isn't just about the good times — it's mainly about being someone your children can lean on when there's a problem.

Or take a leaf out of the book of some parents I once divorced. They found a wonderfully simple solution, helped by the fact that they kept a high level of trust in their co-parenting relationship even after the divorce. Mum had a key to Dad's flat, so when Klára ran out of tights in the drawer at Mum's, Mum texted Dad: "Popping over for the tights." And collected them from his flat. She knew Klára wouldn't keep track of her own tights supply, and that Dad was forgetful, so getting them from him herself might otherwise have taken a month. Instead, she accepted that some things simply need a practical solution. She didn't make a scene about it — she just went and got the tights.

That's another way handovers can work.

When a child is ill

Your usual handover routine might work perfectly well — but what happens when illness gets in the way? If a child falls ill during one parent's period of care, do they recover where they fell ill, or does the handover still go ahead as agreed? A child's illness isn't the moment to insist rigidly on the rules. What matters most is always what's best for the child right now, and what their condition allows. If they have a temperature of 38.7°C, say, and are on their first day of antibiotics, it isn't exactly kind to move them around just because it happens to be changeover day (how would you feel about being made to move house in that state?). Once they've improved after a few days of treatment, you can hand them over calmly and the usual routine can continue. In these situations, parents can also take turns using time off to care for a sick child (in the Czech Republic this is covered by a specific state benefit, ošetřovné — arrangements will differ if you're not in the Czech system, so it's worth checking what applies to you locally). Some parents make up the time their child spent poorly in the other parent's care, so as not to lose out on their overall share of care. But honestly — is being woken in the night for a sick child really such a prize that you need to be compensated for it?

Handing over family pets

It's not just children — handing over family pets comes up fairly often in mediation too. Dogs tend to be straightforward, but we've even had parents who needed to hand over a guinea pig, cage and all.

The children were handed over via school, so with no contact needed — but the guinea pig was a bit more complicated. In the end, they settled on handing it over at a workplace office.

Even small, seemingly trivial things sometimes need a practical solution worked out. And a solution is usually there to be found.

In conclusion

A handover is really just a small moment that repeats itself, over and over. And yet within it, a child can receive a very important message: Mum and Dad aren't together any more, but they're both still here for me.

Parental separation brings a lot of change into family life, and sometimes things that simply can't be made easy or convenient. But children shouldn't have to carry the practical or emotional weight of that. They might still forget a T-shirt, leave an exercise book at Dad's, or miss the other parent. And they can know that the adults will sort it out.

Perhaps that's the real point of calm handovers. Not that everything has to be perfect, that nothing is ever forgotten, or that parents always get it right without a single misstep. But that the child feels that, even though their family situation has changed, their whole world isn't falling apart.

That they can love both Mum and Dad. That they can leave one and look forward to the other. That parents can disagree, feel hurt or sad, and still find a way to be good parents together.

And perhaps that's one of the most important things parents can show a child after divorce: that while some relationships change, love for a child — and parenthood itself — doesn't have to end.