How do we tell our child we're getting divorced?

When parents decide to separate or divorce, one of the things they work through in mediation or with their lawyer is how to break the news to the children. They want to protect them and not burden them, while still telling them the truth. So how should you talk to children about divorce? What should you tell them, and what is better kept between the adults?

When is the right moment to tell your child about the divorce?

"Should I ask the children first whether they'd mind Mum and Dad not living together?"

When you're thinking about separating or divorcing, you look for somewhere to start. And children are often the first thing we try to get our bearings around. Perhaps we hope their reaction will help us make up our minds. Perhaps we want to be sure they'll cope with the changes.

But when a parent asks, "Would you mind if Mum/Dad and I didn't live together?", they shift the weight of the decision onto the child and give them the sense that they can influence it. What a child actually needs is to feel secure. We recommend that parents tell their children about the divorce only once they have made the decision themselves, and that they don't ask the children to give their view on it.

At the same time, it's best not to put it off for too long, because children are often very good at noticing that things aren't right between their parents. Uncertainty can be far harder for them than hearing that the family is breaking up. It can lead them to feel that they are to blame for the situation, the tension and their parents' low mood.

MY TIP: How do children see it? Children want their parents not to argue in front of them and not to say unkind things about each other. They appreciate honesty and want clear answers. They don't want to lose either parent!

How do we tell our child we're getting divorced?

Ideally together, and above all in a way that doesn't leave the child feeling responsible for the decision or able to change it. We recommend telling children that it's a joint decision. That way, you don't give them room to blame just one of you for the separation. It's important to reassure them that the separation is your decision and that it isn't their fault.

Wait until you have your own emotions under control, because you need to be ready for your children's. Whichever parent can stay calmer can do the talking. Be honest that this is a clear and permanent decision, and don't raise false hopes that things might get better.

The conversation should take place somewhere familiar, where your child feels safe.

And if there's one thing I'd really recommend, it's resisting the urge to talk to the children about the divorce without the other parent present. If one parent can't manage it, the other may start to wonder whether the children's views have been manipulated. That can erode trust between you even further and make the whole separation far more complicated.

MY TIP: Think about the longer term! Your children will need you both. If something happens to you, it's the other parent who will care for them. Your children will be glad to share important moments and achievements with both of you. Will you be together at their leavers' ball or their wedding, or will your child have to choose which of you to invite?

What information your child needs, and what they don't need to know

A child usually doesn't need to know the reasons for the separation or the details. It's best to explain the situation simply. Often it's enough to say that you won't be living together in the same home any more. They should also hear that you both remain their parents, that you love them and that you'll both keep looking after them. They should also know that they can come to you and share their feelings, worries and needs. You're there for them.

Before you raise the subject with your children, though, it's important to have at least basic answers to a few questions: What will the care arrangements look like? How will everyday things such as school, after-school clubs and money work?

Not because everything has to be perfectly sorted, but because children find it far more reassuring to feel that the adults have at least a basic sense of direction. It's chaos and constant improvising that tend to be exhausting after a separation, not only for parents but above all for children.

That doesn't mean you need to have everything finalised down to the last detail before you start talking to your children. It's enough to know the care schedule for the next few months, where you'll be living, whether your child will stay at the same school and the same clubs, and roughly how you'll communicate with the other parent.

So, to sum up: how to tell your children about the separation as sensitively as possible

To make breaking the news as painless as possible for you and your children, try to stick to a few basic principles:

• Only talk to your children about the separation once you have genuinely made the decision.

• If possible, tell them together with the other parent.

• Tell them it's a decision you've made together.

• Don't put the responsibility for the decision on your children, and don't ask whether they agree with it.

• Speak openly and clearly, but don't give them false hope.

• Expect their emotions and try to manage your own.

• Don't criticise the other parent in front of the children or put them in the role of go-between.

Many parents fear that telling the children about the divorce will be the worst moment of all. In reality, what children often find much harder is a situation they don't understand, and what comes afterwards (confusion over who's picking them up from school, tension between parents, sudden changes of plan, information passed on through the child, and so on).